I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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