I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
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So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
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Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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