Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
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yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
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I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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