I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize