Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
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Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's rum buckets o'clock
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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