Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
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apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
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I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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