So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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