Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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