she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
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Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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