i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
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If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
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Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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