I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize