I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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