You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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