then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
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I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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