the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
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When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
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If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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