There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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