her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
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Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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