so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
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He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
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I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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