Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
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I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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