he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize