Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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