I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
