my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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