Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
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You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
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True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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