a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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