I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
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He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
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I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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