textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
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I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Naked. naked and bneed help.
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"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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