Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I want to be your penis for a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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