I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
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We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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