i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize