I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
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My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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