you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
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I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
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I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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