I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
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Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
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Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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