I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
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She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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