Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
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incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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