Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
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In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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