Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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