I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
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I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
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my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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