If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
where are you?
Hypothermia
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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