Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
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For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
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Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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