Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
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She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
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Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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