so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
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If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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