You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
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The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
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If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize