I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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