She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
birth control should be required to get into college
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
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Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize