Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize