so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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