my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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