No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
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You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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