just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
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It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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